Relating is a holistic process.
Whenever we relate to anything it never occurs in isolation; be it to other people, to the environments we inhabit, or to ourselves. The context of each overlaps to inform the other, because in truth, it is all one thing: Life.
In light of this, how we relate in one area will also connect to how we relate in others.
A Lifetime of Relating
Sometimes we are conscious of these overlaps, sometimes less so. Sometimes it pays us to be conscious them, sometimes it does not. Mostly it depends on functionality and necessity.
The function of the psyche is to automatise as much of the processes of life as possible. It is not that living becomes an unconscious act, we are still the conscious witness of it, but in this state of unconscious competence, life has a feeling of flow to it.
If we are thriving and happy then that is even better.
It is went things get out of kilter, when things start to go awry, when we feel the effects as awkward, or frustrating, or painful, that we know something needs to shift – even if we don’t immediately know what it is or how to shift it.
The Value of Trust
A fundamental principle in all relating is that of trust.
When applied to oneself, the ability to know and be yourself requires that you have cultivated, or live with, a measure of trust in your abilities and senses. You feel safe and secure in the knowledge of who you are – not least in the unconscious and automatised processes mentioned before. You have boundaries, you know what you are willing to accept and you know where you will draw a line. You trust yourself.
By the same token, if you know your environment well enough, when you can predict how it will respond to your journey through it then you can trust to that to. At least to a degree that affords you a safe enough passage through it. You know where and how and when to manage the dangers it contains and, likewise, you know how, and where, and when to reap any rewards offered.
The same is true for the people we encounter along the way too.
Trust as a Real Foundation
Studies in behavioural science (not least those detailed in the work of Robert Sapolsky) have shown that our default state, when it comes to interactions with other members of our species, is that of trust.
The fact that distrust has to be learnt, and that trust can be relearnt – or more accurately, that misappropriated distrust can be unlearnt – is reassuring.
It is clear to see that distrust has a purpose, that it is there to protect us from exploitation, from those who would seek to claim from us more than might be a fair share of our resources or even choice. As such, it is not a faculty that we ever really wish to loose.
When being overly distrusting of others acts as an inhibitory factor in healthy relating, then, for as long as we are conscious of it, we can make choices to change that. If we do not we run the risk of loosing something that need not be lost; the joy of connection, the potential for collaboration, and the simple sense of feeling safe around others.
The unnecessary pain and suffering that can result from the isolation caused by our mistrust can impact every area of life.
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